Not the way it's supposed to be

I have been having this internal debate with myself for about a week on if I should blog about our current heartache. Really, it's nothing in the grand scheme of life. I guess if I am going to be honest of about the ups and downs of finding balance, I should blog about the pain. I want to start by saying that I love both of my children equally. Feelings are feelings though, and we have no control over them.

When my little boy was born, the doctor put him directly on my stomach. It was an amazing moment, one that I didn't get to experience when my daughter was born. I knew that this was the beginning of something wonderful. My heart ached though. I got to hold him right after he was born, but I was sad for that moment missed with my daughter. I held him and the only thing I could think was "is he breathing???" I longed for this experience, I longed for a healthy typical child.

At 10 days old, everything around us came crashing down. This was Gunner and Caitlyn on that morning...
It was a Sunday, and everything seemed normal. Gunner nursed at around 4pm, then when I went to wake him again (we were dealing with some jaundice still, so feeding every 2 hours during the day) he wouldn't wake up. None of the regular tricks worked. We called 911, and he was transported to the ER. We never knew exactly what happened, but I never stopped worrying.

That was over a year ago. I have worried about everything he hasn't done, and everything he has done. Every time I take him to the doctor, our wonderful pediatrician assures me he is fine. I was finally starting to relax, and enjoy him. He is an amazing little boy, and the relationship that is building between him and his sister is an absolute joy to watch.

Today, we face a new challenge. We don't know yet exactly what is going on, but our son has been referred to a cardiologist. We are of course praying to find out it is nothing. For now, my thoughts are working over time at driving me crazy. The emotions hit, and I get angry. I get scared and angry that my son is having struggles of his own. Then I get angry...angry because he is supposed to be my healthy son who is developing typically with no concerns. Then some well meaning person tells me "remember, God doesn't give you more than you can handle." To which I respond, "well, I guess God and I aren't in agreement right now," or even "maybe He doesn't know me as well as He thought."

Praying for healthy, happy children tonight...