A couple of weeks ago, I had some alone time before heading to a tree dedication at Caitlyn's school. They were dedicating the tree and flower garden planted in memory of a little girl named Annie who passed away. We all miss her very much! While I was alone, I stopped at my old job from before Caitlyn had a diagnosis. I had worked there for 8 years, and met some really cool people! I got to see a couple of the gals I used to work with, and chat a little. The conversation, though, through me off a bit.
One of the gals said "I really admire you...I couldn't have done what you did." Um, what did I do? I was confused. What I gather from the conversation was that this person felt like I had made a choice to continue raising my daughter once we discovered she had a disability. She asked the other gal "could you do what she did?" Then I'm sure I blushed as they talked about what an amazing mom they felt I was.
But that's just it, I'm a mom. The "choice" I made, which by the way I do not in any way see it as a choice, was to simply continue to be a mom. So many people say "I don't know how you do it" or "you're so strong" or this new one "I couldn't have done what you did." Well, 10 years ago when I was just getting ready to walk down the isle and marry my husband, I had no clue. I was only 21! I didn't even know anyone who had a child with a disability. When I got pregnant, I didn't want to know if there might be something wrong, so I skipped all the pre-natal testing. Looking back, I'm sure I had fears of not feeling like I would be able to handle being a mom to a child would was "different."
That's just it...You don't know until you are handed your baby who might have a disability...You don't know until you sit in that doctors office and find out all plans you might have had are now changing. There is no way to know how we are each going to handle it. I know there was a time when parents weren't given much of a choice. There was very little support from the community, and families were encouraged to place their child in an institution. My daughter was born in 2003, though. This was a different time and it is down right shocking to me that someone would view this as a choice.
If it was my choice, she wouldn't have Rett Syndrome. But it's not. None of it is. It was my choice to become a mom, but it was God's choice that I became HER mom! It was God's choice and Him and I still butt heads to this day because of it. I have yet to figure out why He thought this was for me, or what His plan for her is. All I know is, if this was any one's choice, it was His. So please, when you think I have some super powers, or am some amazing mom, I'm not. I'm just a mom; a mom who was given a little girl with a disability. Walking away from her 2 1/2 yrs into her life was NOT a choice. (and I wish I had all the money in the world to bring into my home all the little babies who's parents saw it as a choice and walked away...) Please don't tell me how strong I am, or how you would never be able to do what I do...I gave birth and made a commitment to raise my child. I am not any stronger than any other mom that puts them self into that commitment.
